Ashley’s Story
My parents are both mentally ill, alcoholics and drug users. Almost everyone in my family is sick in some way. Almost none of them are Christians.
I have been neglected and abused most of my life. I have gone hungry, been homeless, lived in hotels and seen horrible things. Left alone without parents, I was taken in by relatives who were conflicted about having custody of me. From age 12 to 23, I was an atheist. I was full of anger. I did not know where to turn.
I tried to find love and acceptance in relationships with men. The relationships always became about sex, and I ended up getting emotionally, physically and sexually abused again and again. I cut myself, broke windows, was extremely depressed, became anorexic and hated myself and everyone around me. I wasn’t able make friends. I felt trapped. I hallucinated occasionally and was paranoid. I was suicidal for years. People often told me that I was "searching for something." I wanted to be a good person, to be close to people and to be happy, but I did not know how.
I began attending Armstrong Atlantic State University on a Pell grant, where I studied music for six years. I struggled a lot in school because of my anger. I found it difficult to focus and to connect with other people.
While learning to sing under the instruction of my voice teacher, I slowly began to see what it was like to be a healthy Christian who cares. She became a mentor. One day, she quoted the lilies of the field scripture to me. “Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.” Matthew 6:28 I realized that quote was about inner turmoil and the suffering that we impose upon ourselves - and that we have to choose to let go of the things that torment us.
I developed feelings for one of my studio mates. He was younger than me, but I asked him out anyway. He told me that if we were going to be together, we had to be abstinent, which completely shocked me. I didn't realize he was a Christian, but he began to pray with me and talk about God. We fought a lot at first. We argued about religion and about my abusive ways.
Through the dedication and love of Joshua (now my fiance), his family and my voice teacher, I realized that love exists outside of our own understanding. I realized that our understanding merely limits us. It was a natural progression to acknowledge that I have no real control over my life, that God exists and that He loves me more than I can imagine.
Now that I know Jesus, I feel safe and loved in a way that I did not know was possible. My priorities in life have completely changed. I am free from so many things that were weighing me down. My life has new purpose: to express and show love - my love and God's - to others around me.
Being a Christian is a constant learning process. I am still more tormented than most people around me and continue to struggle with fear and doubt. Letting Scripture change me has been the most challenging and life-giving thing I have ever experienced.
I feel really at home at Compassion Christian Church in Rincon and want to get more involved there. Cam's sermons reach me in a special way. He is great at making the Bible relevant in a way that impacts me immediately. There are still some issues that challenge me, but I know that this is a good community where I can explore those things and grow in my faith.
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